Thursday, April 10, 2014

Not This Time

I've been feeling king of "off" for the past few days and I couldn't quite verbalize what was wrong.  All I could figure was that Alex's upcoming trip back to the states was making me anxious.  I was going to miss him.  I was tackling taking care of both kids on my own.  And even though I just want to spend time with him before he goes I feel mildly stand-offish.  Couldn't really put my finger on why.  


Last night I was watching Alex play with Shelton.  He was raising Shelton up on his lap while sitting on the couch.  I was standing in such a way that all I could see was the back of his head against the couch and little Shelton's face staring at him.  And then I went back in time.  I've lived that moment once before.  Todd sat in that same place.  Kiley's little face beaming at him while he played with her.  Gently patting her on the back and resting her head on his shoulder.  I came back to the moment....waiting for Alex to rest the bay's head on his shoulder and pat him on the back.  He did.  I smiled.   

What I realized in that moment is my vulnerability.  When Todd deployed I had no fears that he wouldn't be coming back safe and sound.  All I had to do was wait.  I waited...but I was wrong.  In all that I have experienced and learned through loss I am still learning everyday.  In my logical mind I can convince myself that any fears I have can be put to rest.  Going back stateside for a few short weeks is very different than watching your soldier head to Afghanistan.  I know this!  My irrational mind sees notification officers at the door.  It sees black dresses, folded flags, and fatherless children  I'm usually a very confident woman who understands the ins and out of grief.  But today I've been challenged to again pull myself out of the CRAZY and remember that all I can do is live every moment for what it is.  A moment...and then it's gone.  Grab it.  Hold on tight.  Say goodbyes without fears :).